So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
