Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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