I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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