Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
