Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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