words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
