you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
