I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
