He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We had sex on a dog bed..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
