dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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