overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
