mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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