I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
