can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
