I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
