Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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