the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
