I love black thongs
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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