You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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