i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
