someone owes me an orgasm
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
