I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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