In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
