My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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