The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
