sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
