I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
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It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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