the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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