My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
