Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
