why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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