omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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