this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
