First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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