kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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