it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
