It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
