I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
