beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
just found out that she named her cat after me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
