Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
