I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I AM VODKA MAN
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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