thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
