Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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