u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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