she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
