I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
