apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I intend to get homeless drunk
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
