stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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