It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
