Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
