Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
