so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
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Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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