I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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