I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
